MANY YEARS IN THE MERDE

July 14th

2006-07-21T01:42:00.000+02:00

Fact: Regardless of the Army parading, the French love going to the Champs Elysees and cheering for the troops.

Since the French have not been invaded again since the 1940s, and in order to satisfy the entertainment needs of the French, the government decided to put a bunch of soldiers and tanks on the Champs Elysees every July 14th. They march pretty well, even if the French Army has not won a single battle since its birth (other than in the Asterix comics). The annual parade really portraits France as a country protected by some brave and overweaponised soldiers, or at least this is what a Luxembourg friend told me, comparing the French parade to his country's.

Anyhow, now that the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany only exist in the History books, pay a visit to Paris on any July 14th and feel the thrill and buy the merchandising of those fiery French soldiers eager to show their determination and commitment to attack (or rather give a headbutt) to whoever dares to mention the mother of the French nation, or the mother's profession.

Fascists of the world, unite! (under the French flag)

The French Cultural Dimension

2006-07-12T01:12:00.000+02:00

I always dreamed of correcting Einstain's relativity formula, amending Darwin or writing a prologue for a new edition of the complete works of William Shakespeare. Thanks to Germany's 2006 World Cup, the time has come.

Reading some blog postings, some news articles and listening to both fine citizens and French populace, I have found a golden opportunity to enhance Hofstede's Cultural Dimensions. Basically, Geert Hofstede analysed cultural attitudes in a number of countries and concluded that there are 4 variables (or Dimensions) that define each culture: Relative interest in politics, masculinity, individulism and uncertainty avoidance. I just found a few more dimensions that would allow us to distinguish between French-wannabe cultures and the rest, these dimensions are:

1. Smell. The more you stink, the more likely you will buy a lot of parfums de Paris and the more you will enjoy France.
2. Nagging. Countries that love nagging are prone to enjoy French behaviour and arrogance with gusto.
2. Sympathy for headbutts. Some people just love watching the big guy giving headbutt to the smaller guy.

Today I returned to France and I was quite impressed to see to what extent violence is seen by French people as acceptable. I guess this explains a lot of things: Napoleonic invasions, invention of the Guillotine (yes, the greatest French invention to date), the occupation of African nations, the Vietnam war...

They like violence especially when the big guy goes after the small boy. French are like hooligangs cheering Goliath everytime he kicks David. However, they are always on the loser's side. But they lose and then they enjoy accusing David of unfair tactics.

* * *

With a much smaller budget, one year ago, on July 6th, London won over Paris the organisation of the 2012 Olympic Games. Congratulations!

But the French always find the way to celebrate defeat. Today I saw the Air Force planes rehearsing for the July 14th military parade, that kind of pro-Fascist remain of a past that didn't exist where the President salutes an Army that has never won any war in spite of its sheer budget. Yes, it was sent many times to attack small countries and loot their wealth, but when the attacked awoke the French Army ran away. Coming back to the football subject, this is why attacking is worthless if you don't have a strong defense (translation: Italy's strategy of building up a strong defense proved supperior to France's strategy of just kicking the ball and wait, and this is why Italy won a well deserved World Cup final match).

Wait for July 14th and the patriotic fanfare. They don't have anything to celebrate this year, but it doesn't matter, taxes for 2006 have already been collected. I already paid for the show.

Allez les Bleus!

2006-07-11T00:36:00.000+02:00

I am one of those who would like to see an African team winning the World Cup someday. But an African team boasting some African nation's flag.

Anyways, the Blues won, and I am happy. The Whites lost (well, yes, yes, the workers, the players, were all black, but the bosses were all white, and they dressed in white). In any case, time to celebrate for all foreigners in France.

It was one year ago, on July 6th when Paris didn't win the 2012 olympics and I said that if the French cannot behave themselves when they win, we cannot let them win. Fortunately, they are so bad for most sports, intellectual activities, arts and any other human activity that we, spectators of their tragic history, only have to sit back and enjoy watching them fail again and again.

Did you see the Italy Vs France (Africa?) match? The French got to the final dragged by a series of oversympathetic referees and some strikes of good luck. When the moment of truth came, and failure, eternal companion of French society, hit them, the French did what they can do best: Nagging and in some extreme case, turn violent (Zidane headbutting Materazzi, the Italian guy who scored the only great goal of the match).

The French explained the outcome of the match as the result of a biased referee and concluded that the result was unfair since they had proved better (can the French be better than anyone at anything!?!?!?).

Firstly, the Italians played much better. Their brave defence repelled any single French try to score. Proof: The only goal during the match was shot by the Italians. The French only scored a penalty.

Secondly, Zidane's headbutt did deserve the Red card and I would even demand the French Football Federation to be fined. We cannot afford that overpaid players take advantage of overbroadcasted events like this match to promote stupid violence.

Thirdly, it is sad that a match has to be resolved in a set of penalties, but as the Italians were superior during the match, they also proved superior firing the penalties and did not fail any.

Today the BBC website presented us a good list of newsclips about the French reaction to this new failure. Some of the takeaways:

1. About Zidane's sending off, the French coach said: "Something must have happened but I don't know what. I don't think he decided out of the blue to headbutt him, that he wanted to leave the pitch, something must have happened". What a jerk! Basically, if your neighbour is stabbed in the metro, it's his fault!. This principle is confirmed by some other jerk playing with the French: "I think Materazzi said something very bad to him for him to react like that".

2. Jacques Chirac, yes that brilliant politician and would be prison inmate, came to justify violence on a football field by saying: "I don't know what happened, why Zidane was punished. But I would like to express all the respect that I have for a man who represents at the same time all the most beautiful values of sport, the greatest human qualities one can imagine, and who has honoured French sport and, simply, France". If he "doesn't know", he could better shut up. Isn't this representative of the mental capability of the French brain?

3. The French are against using technology in football (basically, allowing referees to view video taping before punishing)... which explains why Zidane attacked the Italian idol Materazzi when the referee was looking something else.

Check out the following 3 selected BBC articles for more details:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/france/5164094.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/france/5152728.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/france/5164616.stm

Can the French behave like normal people? Normal people, sometimes, win.

Jobseeker

2006-06-17T16:22:00.000+02:00

Unemployment is never a rewarding status, but seeking jobs in France is one of the most frustrating activities one can undertake. Ask my friend Kepin:

-Did you hear anything back from that French who interviewed you last week?
-Since I didn't get any news, I called her today.
-And?
-She said that she preferred another guy over me and that this other candidate didn't call her. So, she wants to wait a couple of more days for his call and if he doesn't call, then I can call her again and she will tell me whether she hires me or not.

Can you imagine a sicker employer??? Basically, the French bastard prefers another candidate, but in order to meet the average level of arrogance of this country, instead of calling the successful candidate, they just tell him: "Call me back". If the preferred candidate doesn't call, they don't bother calling him... And meanwhile, Kepin waiting.

Another friend works as a secretary for some back office department in a French company. Now there's a vacancy with the top officer, somehow one level up the ladder, she applies. Gets an interview with the HR manager and when they meet, this French manager says: "Sorry, I have lost your CV (...) but really this job is not that great for you, more opportunities will come in the future". As my friend concluded: "They simply didn't give me the chance because this manager meets many external French customers and I am black".

I have been to her office several times and I have never seen another black person.

A third friend, Emily, was the typical French-wannabe, until she was fired by her French boss... She spent over 1 year in missery, since all her French network rejected her, until she got in touch with some English guys who helped her get a job with an English company.

Today I went to have lunch to some French corner café. In the UK, for a 50 tables restaurant, you would have 4 or 5 waiters... here you only have one. This one is so protected by the system that he can afford being slow, unfriendly, unhelpful, while some of his customers browse the job postings in the newspaper.

French job seekers, keep searching! This is your time to work hard towards one objective, the holidays will come later, once you have the job!

* * *

Finally, the daungeons of the far right are cellebrating. France has passed the most anti-immigrant law in Europe. Only non French who bow to French superiority and speak French like, say, Marechal Petain, will be allowed to stay in the country.

French dogs

2006-06-10T01:28:00.000+02:00

I stopped at one of those restaurants on the side of the highway and ordered a hot meal. My friend brought the following to my attention: "Did you ever realise that all the customers of these French restaurants are white people?". I started to think about this subject but then my thoughts were interrupted by a French threesome that sat next to us: A French idiot, his idiot wife and their dog!

I felt compelled to stand up and tell the guy: "Get out of here, you and your two companions", but my friend stopped me explaining that in France restaurants allow dogs in. I gazed at the two French, the dog and then realised that the dog was probably cleaner than the two others.

* * *

During the past days, France has made the headlines with some more riots in suburbia and quite a good number of genuine news.

I already talked about the 6000 travellers' survey on worst places to travel, where France ranked first in some of the most disputed categories.

Some reader discovered for me a news item that proposes the movie "Le Corbeau" (Henri-Georges Clouzot) as a good starting point to understand the current political climate in France and their custom of stabbing their colleagues and neighbours in the back (during WWII, the Nazis received over 3 million anonymous letters from French people who had something to tell about a neighbour, a work colleague or anybody they didn't like, and amazingly, still nowadays, the French Police receive quite a good volume of anonymous).

However, the news that has impressed me the most is this one: "France fined for deporting Jews". Basically, nearly 100,000 Jews were deported to death camps during WWII and some relatives sued the logistics supplier of the nazis: SNCF, and some freethinking judge found SNCF guilty. The SNCF lawyer says they will appeal (to avoid paying 60 thousand Euros) and and that the ruling is unfair since SNCF cannot be responsible of the deportations since they only collaborated with the Germans...

One of the victims replies that the French state and SNCF did not just collaborate with the nazis, "they did rather more than what had been asked of them by the occupiers"...
Isn't this French culture at its best?

Helpful French

2006-06-02T01:14:00.000+02:00

Evening AirFrance flight to Stockholm. Uranus secures a seat by the window. Other passengers find their seats, the French frowning and pushing and the foreigners politely interacting with the rest. An Indian-Swedish couple turns out and cannot contain their disappointment when they read that they have been assigned seats separated by the isle and one passenger. They try to find space for their luggage, but the overhead compartments are full. The Indian-Swedish lady asks the AirFrance flight attendant for help, in an extremely polite way: "I cannot find space for my bags...", and the attendant barks: "And what can I do????!!!!????".

Without enough space to stretch her legs, the troubled passenger girl tries to accommodate under a mountain of bags wihile her (I assume) boyfriend stands until a French 40-something idiot shows up:

-This is my seat.
-Would you mind Sir swapping seats? We would like to sit together and better distribute our bags.
-NON.

They turn to the other side of the isle and ask another passenger who could help them:

-Would you mind Sir swapping seats? We would like to sit together and better distribute our bags.
-NON.

Adding insult to injury, after the two Indian-Swedish partners have sat separated by the isle and the French idiot, the latter stands up, approaches the AirFrance hostess and asks her to find him space for his bag since the overhead compartments are full. The flight attendant takes the bag and stores in a compartment by the first row.

When I landed in Stockholm, my first look goes to a Radisson advertisement: "How would we say no to you?".

A victory for France!

2006-05-25T02:10:00.000+02:00

We are not used to see the French win.

It seems like the 21st century will be a continuation of the humiliations and blows they received in the previous 100 years.

No, they didn't get the Olympics for 2012, they didn't exist during the last Football Champions League and they were slapped in the face by all other European nations in the Eurovision contest last week... but those are only minor setbacks and France continues collecting the medals that really count.

Take this week, an online survey directed by a Frenchman discovered that:

1. French are the most unfriendly nation people on the planet.

2. French are the most boring and most ungenerous people.

In addition to those findings (the result of a 6000-participants survey), one UK newspaper confirmed that the French stink.

France, if you are number 1, why try harder?

Living football the French way

2006-05-22T01:00:00.000+02:00

They don't know how to play, they don't know how win and they don't know how to lose. No matter the subject, or the rivals, the French have demonstrated a historical unability to cope with the preparations, the execution and the outcomes of competition.

Last week, Paris hosted the final of the 2006 Champions League, the sport event of the year in Europe. The two top performers of European football, Barcelona of Spain and Arsenal of the UK showed football at its best.

Although I have as many reasons to support any London club as Barcelona, since I lived happily in both towns, this time I had to support Barcelona since Arsenal's captain is a French and I was fearing some lack of style was Arsenal going to win or lose.

So, there we were, looking for a bar to support Barcelona. We tried to get into the Frog pub, but it was full. We went to several other foreigner-friendly venues and didn't find room. At some point, we thought "what about going to some French cafè or bar and live football the French way??" (I promise, there was no non-French alternative!!!). This is how we landed in one of those corner bars... The venue and its regulars was pathetic: Lone French men and some fat French women sipping ONE beer watching TV. The barman making customers wait because he had to watch the match too and his girlfriend flirting with all the customers since her boy didn't pay any attention to her (well, he didn't pay attention to his customers either!).

At the end, Barcelona won, the customers left and we were overcharged by the French barman (he claimed that a orange juice with ice was a "large" juice and hence price was double: 8.40 Euro... this was the typical run-down French cafè in suburbia!).

The morning after, I read the news and could again validate that the French cannot lose. Contrary to the style and manners portrayed by the entire Arsenal guys after the defeat, the French captain had to talk to remind us that French will never learn to lose.

The BBC gives all the details, but here is a selection of Thierry Henry's reaction:

"I was kicked all over the place. I expected the referee to do his job. I don't think he did." (very French, accusing the others if things don't go your way. Henry, next time, PLAY BETTER!).
"The Frenchman, who was fuming after the game, also felt Samuel Eto's equaliser should have been disallowed for offside" (yes, yes, yes... nag, nag, nag).
"It was always going to be difficult to play Barcelona. But with 10 men that is almost impossible"... but Jens really played dirty and deserved the punishment... "Jens probably deserved to be sent off - there is nothing to be said about that. But in the first half Rafael Marquez and Carles Puyol went right through me and they didn't even get a yellow. Then I got the ball in front of the bench and Mark Van Bommel kicks me and I end up getting a yellow." (yes, yes, yes, Henry, THEY CAUGHT YOU and yes, life is unfair, but they caught you, and I will tell you more, everybody saw that Arsenal committed 4 times more injuries than Barcelona did).
Henry also defends himself from the sure-goal ball he got served that he lost: "I tried to do what I could and try and defend and try and bring the ball back and help the team, but if they allow an offside goal it is going to be even more difficult. Everyone was talking about Ronaldinho before the game. I didn't see him today and I didn't see Eto'o" (yes, of course, it was the referee's, the enemy's, the media's fault, we made him lose concentration...).
"We can be proud, we can be more than proud, but, I'm sorry, some of the refereeing today was horrendous" (yes, like after WWII, be proud, be proud, be proud of yourselves, keep accusing all the others).
However, Henry 'congratulated' Barcelona by saying: "You have to be fair in football - you have to be honest and well done to you if you've won, but you have to win in a good way" (well, Barcelona won in a good way, the referee showed as many Yellow cards as necessary, and you deserved one of them! Don't try to break a leg and you won't get "a yellow").

Anyways, Henry, thanks for that heart-felt congratulation. Those who supported the other team BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T PLAYING WITH THEM, truly appreciate your kindness.

* * *

Yesterday night, Athens hosted the final of the Eurovision (European Song Contest) 2006. Out of 23 countries, France ranked 21st, only above Israel and Malta. I cannot wait to read the news today and how the French interpret this new failure. Who will be responsible this time? The Americans? The jury? The Opus Dei?

The French cannot lose, this is why they don't deserve winning.

Napoleon is back

2006-05-16T00:43:00.000+02:00

I missed it!

The most awaited event of the post 2012 Olympic bid and I missed it! I was even invited, some French gave me a flyer!!!

This moment of majesty encountered me the other day on my way to the metro... this fat, bold, unfriendly man handed to me some scrap of paper. Since I thought it would contain some discount vouchers or gossip about polititians' wives, I took it, but to my surprise, it was an invite to join a pro French rally!!!!

Yes! Spread the news, Uranus was invited to join a political demonstration organised by a bunch of people called France Bonapartiste to demand that the French president is more respected in France and that elections are held only every 10 years (since this is the minimum a Napoleon would need to implement far reaching initiatives that would make the imperial eagle return to the French capital). If the Louvre exposed fine pieces of literature and thoughtful political manifestos like this flyer, I am sure they would need to build 4 or 5 more pyramids to cope with the visitors it would attract (thinking about it, Paris doesn't have a caricature museum or a museum of the idiot yet, huh?).

Let me quickly summarise the contents of the flyer:

The problems:
1. Nobody loves the President (no kidding!).
2. The Prime Minister behaves like if he was the Ambassador of the USA.
3. The Home Office secretary joins forces with Islamists to destabilise The Nation.
4. The country is on the verge to insurrection, and people demand a French government.
5. The enemies are: Globalisation and the Chinese.
6. All politicians plot with the Chinese against France.
7. France has to take strength from its grands examples in History (WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!!!!!????).

The solutions:
1. That the President rules for 10 years.
2. That polititians are replaced by technocrats.
3. That laws are approved in public referenda.

The political rally was scheduled for May 11th in a bar of Blvd Montparnasse, but I wasn't in town.

Did you go? Do you know when is the next rally?

Paying the bills

2006-05-12T01:27:00.000+02:00

I went to their office, to pay my electricity bill. From the outside I could hear the customers yelling and the employees barking. Once I was in, I woke up: No yelling, no barking, just a clean, silent office. There were 5 employees, and 4 customers, still I had to line up... French public companies typically staff their operations so that for each 4 idle employees, one fifth employee has enough work to do. Customers have to wait, the French employee's coffee break and their favourite newspaper have priority.

The offices are quite nice, they are located in prime locations and provide an average area of 100 square metres for each employee, so that they can stretch after reading all those well written French newspapers and invite their friends to a coffee.

Working for a private company, everytime I go to pay my bills, I ask myself: "What if they outsourced all these jobs?"... Yes, I know the coffee break would be shorter and their "vital space" would be reduced to a 2 square metre cubicle, but hey think of the advantages: Courteous and efficient service, lower bills, and a more fulfilling career path for the employees themselves.

I glimpsed some hope when I heard that Italian ENEL wanted to buy French EDF. This could have been a great success story if they had only sold off some central offices and fired the most lazy employees, but then the French government made a move to save the coffee, the newspapers and the customer queues by blocking off the operation.

When is France going to get its share of globalisation?

Your average French neighbour

2006-05-09T00:16:00.000+02:00

Here's the political play of the week: One guy who should be in jail for corrupt, in France he is the president. Another guy who never won any election is the PM. And another guy who hates foreigners wants to be the next president. Since the other two guys also want to stay where they are, they feel threatened by the ambitious anti-foreigners candidate. In order to silence him, they give him a secretary job in the cabinet... so that they can spy on him better!!!

Do you think this is the script for a Benny Hill show? No guys, this is happening! France is probably the only country where you are more likely to be spied upon by your colleague, your neighbour or your "friend" than by the enemy!

When you live in Paris for a while, you are not surprised that during WWII, the French utilised the German occupation to get rid of the colleagues, neighbours and anybody else they didn't like.

The problem is that French do not like a lot of people.

A different May Day

2006-05-02T23:29:00.000+02:00

May Day, Labour Day: Red flags, placards claiming social justice, fair salaries, rights for the unprotected... Well, not in France.

While a few French went to a demonstration to demand more and better jobs and an enhanced welfare state, the main event was happening on Place dell'Opera, where thousands of followers of anti-immigration leader Le Pen gathered to accuse all foreigners of any past, present and future problem of France, the greatest of all civilisations ever.

The same day that millions of immigrants took with no fear the streets of the main cities of the US of A to show their power and demand civil rights, foreigners in Paris like me were appalled to watch the display of pride of a bunch of racists who had no shame in declaring French civilisation as superior to any other and demanding the deportation of all foreigners.

This is France, ladies and gentleman. Can you imagine such an individual in Germany? In Italy? The French won this award for having "won" WWII?

Recently, a poll found that one third of French are not ashamed of openly recognising that they are racists (imagine the real figure...). See the details at this link: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1600698/posts

The International Herald Tribune, Reuters and the NY Times both cover the rally of supporters of Le Pen yesterday:

http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/05/01/news/paris.php
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060501/wl_nm/france_lepen_dc_1
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/01/world/europe/01cnd-france.html

Le Pen is saying that if he doesn't win the next election it is because his opponents are copying his manifesto on immigration.

He is right.

Fly me to the moon... but not with a French

2006-05-01T13:54:00.000+02:00

Don't ask me why this misfortune, but I happened to meet two of my French colleagues at one airport outside of France.

I didn't want to sit with them, but then one of the French, She, told the guy at the check-in desk: "We three want to sit together, and by the way, give the isle seat to me" (I wanted that seat!!!), the other French swiftly said: "And I want the window".

The plane was delayed 45 minutes, the French She started to curse and argue with the airline guy (like if he cared about her problems!). Then, She had a great idea: Going to the airline's VIP lounge and demand that we were allowed in as a compensation for the delay, but the VIP lounge's receptionist could not believe what she was hearing and informed us that access was only allowed to First Class ticket holders, but then She gave her a speech on the responsibilities of the airline towards its valued customers and blah blah blah (like if in France they were familiar with the concept...).

Finally, I was forced to have a coffee with these two French and even participate (nodding) of a conversation that included the following subjects: Americans are idiots, the government has to guarantee their jobs, there are too many inmigrants in France, French wine is the best, and a lot of gossip about our colleagues.

When we got on the plane, I found that I was in between these two French. As there was no space for our luggage on the overhead compartment, the French She and I went to another seat's and placed our bags in there. But then one guy came saying that those were his seat and his compartment. I could not believe the guy was so rude, taking into account that he didn't seem to be French. Anyways, I spent the rest of the flight standing his bloody look, that he directed to me every 10 minutes. I was wondering why he was so annoyed.

We landed and went to take our bags (the French She didn't want to come, but she warned me that that guy was an idiot). The guy was staring at me, and I addressed his anger by saying: "Look, there was no other place for our bags, OK? So, save your anger". And the guy said: "I understand, but YOUR WOMAN was extremely rude to me!"... And then, all of a sudden I understood: While I was placing the bags on the overhead compartment, the French She probably told him something or said something or did something with the typical French arrogance and selfishness that was for sure disrespectful to the guy.

Here was my double humiliation: 1) That I co-operated with a French idiot, and 2) That some victim thought I was French (or that, at least, the French was MY WOMAN).

The movie...

2006-04-20T22:59:00.000+02:00

Yo! Bored of super efficient super friendly employees? Motivated staff? Helpful stewards? Polite personnel? Come to France!

New day? New surprise! If you think that you met the king or queen of all idiots yesterday, open wide your eyes today! France has a lot to offer!

These days, the French Cinematheque is running some event dedicated to Spanish cinema director Pedro Almodovar. They are showing all his movies and there is even an exhibition where you can see some of the items the man likes.

I went a couple of times and I was always lucky enough to line up for the ticket office run by a foreigner, but yesterday, damn, the foreigner wasn't there. I looked around and saw two tills open: At one, the machine was broken and while one guy was working, 5 others were looking at him (and probably critisising his attempts to fix the machine), at the other one, a French!!! Well, no-option here, I headed towards the French lady behind the second desk. What follows is our exchange of words:

-Hello! I want two tickets for...
-Almodovar?(great! she recognised in my face that I like good movies)
-Yes!
-OK, it is 12 euro.
-Hold on, shouldn't it be 8 Euro?
-NON, 6 euro each.
-But I have the discount card.
-Yes, and the full price is 9 euro, but with the card you pay 6.
-But I have always paid 4 euro.
Some silence... her mouth becomes a volcano crater and shouts:
-For the exhibition???!!!
-No, for the movie.
-YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE!!!!
-Well, I didn't mention the word Almodovar.
-I HAVE ALREADY DEBITED YOUR CARD!
She goes into panick mode, no self criticism, accusing me of misleading her (with what, my face...?), and when I think there is no other option than telling the public: "Pays de merde", the foreigner who works sometimes there appears. I waved:
-Help! Do you know how this machine works?

She fixed the issue, I got my tickets, I paid the normal price and also this foreigner wished me an enjoyable evening.

The French employee didn't apologise.

Banking in France I

2006-04-17T15:53:00.000+02:00

Some people tend to think that men are good in nature and that French are no exception (well, I agree with the first part of this statement, not with the second one). These wishful thinkers feel better by thinking that only the French public employees are bad, or that only French waiters are idiots, however the reality is that French idiocy spans across professions, attacks every social class and pervades all regions, provinces, towns and political parties. In other words, French culture is a rotten tree and all its branches are weak and hopefully in a few years from now, the only remaining of French culture will be a bunch of Asterix cartoons and the Eiffel tower, two of the few things the French built to last.

One month ago, I called my French bank to ask for a new debit card, since the one I have had expired. They asked me to request it by fax. I sent them the fax, then I had to follow up with them by E-mail, since sending a fax in France doesn't mean the recipient has to do anything with it. Several weeks later they contacted me: "Your card will be at your disposal at our office on rue de XXX". Rue XXX, but if I told them there's a branch on rue YYY which is close to my workplace!!! Well, I took my umbrella, scarf and coat (the weather in Paris is miserable, as usual) and headed to the famous rue XXX. I arrived to the rue XXX, and at the number indicated, I found a building in ruins and a poster "do not trespass, dog guarding the building".

I decided to go to the rue YYY office, and the ungraceful, ugly, idiotic employee of that (my?) bank greeted me with a "what are you doing here?". I said smiling, "well, I came to collect my debit card, I think my branch sent it to this one". She asked: "Why?". This must be one of the collaborators, I thought, and replied with a rather nasty face: "Because my branch is outside Paris and I asked them to send it here since I work round this corner". She made faces, complained sottovoce... At some point, after making me feel like her work was important (although ANY immigrant could do it much better) she gave me my card.

I got back to work and noticed that the bank had charged me 16 euro for this card. What am I paying a 120 euro annual subscription for??? (yes, yes, in other countries, banks give you a microwave for opening an account, here they charge you an annual subscription).

Another "banking war" begins.

Frencher?

2006-04-04T00:19:00.000+02:00

Do you want to blame as a French person does? Check this out:

I took the guy complaining about the other guy and we got into his office. The guy, playing solitaire and winning, was surprised by our visit. He made the face "what are you doing here?".

-Where is that report?
-Ah... I requested it!!!
-If you requested it, where is it?
-Ehhhh... I sent an E-mail to this guy.
-When?
-Mmmm... in July.
-And since July, and in spite of the many requests from this other guy, you didn't get it?
-Ah... I sent an E-mail.
-But you could call him, send him a reminder?
-Yes, but before that, he asked me for another report that I prepared in one day and he read it after 4 weeks! It's very easy blaming on me for the delay, but that guy delayed the whole thing for one month!
-Dude, that guy delayed the thing for 1 month, you have delayed it for almost one year!
-Well, it's not my fault... And anyways, why this urgency?

(the conversation from this point on, moves away from linearity and becomes a loop, an endless loop that is only broken when I pick up his telephone set and call the guy who sent us the report straight away).

I have seem many admirers of the French reading this blog, many wonder how they can become "Frencher" and assimilate to the French culture. Here is my contribution: If you want to become French, learn to blame. Blaming is a key skill in a country that has lost almost every single war since its very creation (well, with the exception of Asterix, who gave some trouble to Julius Caesar... but at the end he also lost). Blaming alone will not make of you a complete idiot, but will certainly help.

Courage!

The Party

2006-03-31T22:25:00.000+02:00

Today our president invited all employees to a cocktail. We shared a few canapes and some champagne and wished good luck to one of our colleagues who has been recently promoted and will (lucky him!) leave France soon. The president delivered a very nice speach, remembering some of the funniest moments of this person.

At the end of the speech, the lucky guy talked, thanked everyone in the room for their support during his years in Paris and wished us good luck. Then we began to drink. There were 3 very clear clusters: The French bosses, the French workers, and the foreigners... At some point, one guy form the sencond group got into my vital circle and said: "This is unacceptable!".

"You didn't like the champagne, you idiot?" (OK, OK, I am exaggerating again... I just said What?).

And he answered: "How come a French guy, in France, dares to address us in English?"

I didn't know what to do with my eyes... frown? rise my eyebrows? close my eyes and have a nap? What I did know was the answer: "Because we work for an English company? Because you owe your salary to that guy who also owes his wealth to an English company? Because English is the most common language in business?"

"Unacceptable! Unacceptable!" he shouted (although not loud enough to be heard by our president). I reminded him of Chirac, who left a meeting one week before because the speaker chose English, and he said: "I fully agree with Chirac! They should speak in French, Belgium is a French country!"

As he left my foreigners' group and rejoined the French guys I couldn't stop thinking what a shame the CPE doesn't apply to this French idiot.

I am a happy customer of La Poste now

2006-03-31T01:29:00.000+02:00

At some point I began to think that the boggie man, in France, dressed in yellow and worked for La Poste. Every visit to the Kafkaesque yellow offices was preceeded by a period of fear and the "Post office hangovers" would last for weeks.

Anyhow, I managed to lead a pretty comfortable life since I decided not to visit the Poste office. I analysed under what circumstances I had to visit such a scary place, and designed alternative processes, exploiting technologies such as E-mail, telephone and buses.

Today was the day I had to go to the post office... I arrived shaking and distressed, I tried to get ready for the fight with the hyperlazy, hyperuseless employee... as I my turn was approaching, I could hear the shouts closer and closer, louder and louder... when finally I made it to the front line I was surprised by something new: This time, I didn't witness a postal office employee attacking a customer, no, this time I saw a customer barking at the employee!

What a radical change! It seems like La Poste is hiring more and more foreigners. The benefits are clear: Better performance, more motivation, enhanced work ethics and better customer service. I am even sure that these new Poste employees don't mind if they get fired for not working well (is the CPE already working and these guys are the best benefitiaries...?).

Poste, congratulations, good job! Now, there's a much harder task ahead: Working on this side of the counter. Maybe in a near future, La Poste will be a pleasant place to visit.

The flying French

2006-03-30T02:32:00.000+02:00

I do not live in Chinatown by chance. I do love Asia and I admire their culture and their people. After some time living in a very French neighbourhood, I chose exile in Chinatown.

In such a context, the following conversation happened a couple of weeks ago:

-Hello, lazy French secretary, where is your boss? (well, OK, OK, I didn't say that... I just said Bonjour and where is your boss).
-She is in Beijing, entertaining a customer.
-Mmmm, China, what a beautiful country (some memories of my travels there hijaked my brain).

She made a face and nearly shouted:
-I didn't know that China is more beautiful than France.

I woke up from my day dream and, confused, said:
-Well, I didn't say that China is more beautiful than France, I just said that China is a beautiful country, but... by the way, have you been there?
-NON, I haven't been to China, but I don't need to go abroad to know that France is the most beautiful country of the world.

IF THAT IS NOT BRAINPOWER, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!

Another Paris blogger has written today about some recent scientific research that sheds light on the IQ of Europeans. It confirms what we alredy suspected about the French...

(Today's photo is dedicated to China, always in my heart).

CPE: And the winner is... Roger Toussaint!

2006-03-29T01:34:00.000+02:00

So, we had general strike today. And who won? De Vil? The rioters? No, no, no! They all tried to show they had palle, but there's little merit in what they do. De Vil because he got the job as windfall (guys, and he is still on trial period!!!) and the rioters because rioting here in France is for free.

I was in New York on December 5th, where Roger Toussaint led a strike that paralised the mass transit system. And watch out, for stopping the metro in New York, the trade union leaders can be punished with inprisonment, the unionists with dismissal and the rest of strikers with big fines. With all that, there you had that guy, a Caribbean immigrant, standing up against the powerful and stopping the entire city.

What a difference. Here in France, a bunch of guys equipped with stones and little interest in finding a first employment can organise a strike and decline an invite to talk to the PM. It's for free!

If you want strikes, learn from the IGM Metall or from the US transport unions. Those guys are brave.

De Vil ZERO. Rioters ZERO. France ZERO. Everybody loses.

How easy is being a French.

The French say NON too often

2006-03-28T00:28:00.000+02:00

Saying "I do not love you" in Italian: Non ti amo.
In German: Ich liebe nicht dich.
In Spanish: No te quiero.
In French? Je ne t'aime pas.

Got the point? The French are so negative that they cannot just say 'NO' once!!! It is in their grammar negating twice, well... twice or more! Because they could also add "rien de tout"! This grammatical lesson only reinforces my theory that the problem of the French is cultural. Early in their childhood they build their basic assumptions on a set of grammatical traps, historical lies and myths that breed generations of rioters in the best case, and lazy bureaucrats and war collaborationists in the worst.

French should drop the NON! NON! NON! lifestyle and embrace every YES they find on their way. There are many opportunities to say YES. They have to learn to be constructive. Tomorrow we are going to have a "general strike" that is about saying NON to the CPE (that weird law for youngsters with no jobs and no experience). I might maybe be supportive if they were making a proposal, but unfortunately they have no proposal. Even if the PM offered them dialogue, they refused that dialogue and will prefer the riots and public disorder (mmm... why didn't we see any public disorder from 1940 to 1945?). Same deal with the European Constitution, the NON won, but that NON didn't have a "yes to" reading, and hence everybody lost.

I keep my fingers crossed hoping that tomorrow we do not have to lament any casualties at this milestone of the road to chaos that the decadent French society has decided to take.

At the Palace

2006-03-26T01:01:00.000+01:00

- Hi, I don't have a job.
- Mmmm, let me think, what about making the labour market more flexible?
- Non.
- We will pass a bill called CPE and you will get a job.
- Non, we will burn your car.
- Man, I need that car to tour France so that I can win the next election. I won't change my opinions, Non, but let's talk.
- Non, I don't want to talk to you.

This could have been the dialogue between the PM and the leader of the students rioting against the CPE, but it turns out that the rioters do not want to talk, NON, they just want to continue rioting... No kidding! The PM who, also has said NON to writing off the CPE at least offered some free lunch and private visit to the Palace, and the rioters said NON !!! They are so hooked to rioting, that solving the problems, discussing alternatives or negotiating proposals is a NON-option!

This is the style in this country: Shout, bark, gossip, burn cars... never pulling out. You see decandence? Expect more!

(Read the news here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4843874.stm).

The BBC correspondent in Paris, Caroline Wyatt, has written a short but truthful analysis on what's going on in France these days. She compares these anti-CPE riots to the unrest of the 60s and concludes: "Such odd revolutionaries. No heartfelt cry to change the world, but a plea for everything to stay the same". Talking to students/rioters Marion and Victor, we read: "I haven't studied hard to get nothing at the end of it," says Marion, with indignation. "I've earned the right to a secure job." and Victor goes: "The government must create jobs".

OK, Marion and Victor, I hope your riots are successful (honestly I don't care because I don't own a car in France) and that the French government gives you a job, because I would not hire any of you.

Grandeur? Only some shadows

2006-03-25T01:23:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, the French president Chirac, walked out of a European meeting in Brussels "deeply shocked by the language used at this summit" reports the BBC website. Of course, the language was English, the most widely spoken language for business in Europe.

Mr Chirac felt he had the right to tell a speaker (who happened to be French, but who also happened to be at that summit representing the European business community and before an European audience) what language he had to talk. Since the culprit was also French, the "NON" stance of Chirac was countered by another "NON" of the the guy. The result? Chirac walked out of the meeting followed by his secretaries. He would only return later to listen to a French guy speaking in French.

Failure with Paris 2012, the European Constitution referendum, the revolts in the suburbs... The power of France in the world is just a farce, their arrogance only a joke and their influence on world affairs (leave alone Europe where they have lost any credibility after the Referendum disaster) is only smoke of nostalgy. Even the Paris-Dakar rally no longer begins in Paris, in fact it is now just called "the Dakar" (it started in Lisbon this year).

The grandeur is gone, will their arrogance last forever?

From "the Revolution" to "the Riots"

2006-03-24T01:12:00.000+01:00

The French have an undisputed reputation of troublemakers: Stealing art works from Egypt, brutally invading Indochina, sponsoring slavery in Africa or selling weapons in the Middle East are just a few expamples of their relentless will to disrupt the good karma in the world. Now that their past imperial power is fading away, the die-off has begun. One year ago they went to the streets to complain against the abstract concept of Europe, a few months ago it was the turn of their discriminated inmigrants' offspring, now it is the hopeless students. Crisis, chaos, decadence... here is where French lazyness leads.

While Renault and PSA "go East" looking for cheap labour and "flexible labour markets" so that they can become more profitable, their employees demand less working hours and more pay, their sons and daughters a job and their immigrants some respect in the factory floor. Nobody wants to give up, everybody blames the rest and the riots are seen as a good way to back up each participant's arguments.

While the anti-CPE riots break, I read the news and it is not the coverage of the riots what I catches my eye, but the results of a nationwide survey that concludes that "One in three French 'are racist'" (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4832238.stm). The actual conclusion was no news to me, but the openess of the French about it is really outstanding. So, if 1 in 3 declare they are racists, can you imagine what will be the real percentage?????? 95%? Maybe the French are frank after all?

The problem of France is not the CPE, the problem of France are not the immigrants, the problem of France is that they have spent the past 150 years drinking wine, eating cheese and blaming the others for their own mistakes.

Tough times are awaiting the French.

NON! NON! NON!

2006-03-23T01:23:00.001+01:00

In many other countries, if you write a book on "How to say no" you may make it to the shelves of the high street book shops. Here in France, saying no is not a skill short in supply, it is actually an elegant custom. NON. Do you want a napkin in the restaurant? NON! Do you want some help with the baggage? NON! Cinema for tonight? NON! NON! NON!

The French have some reputation for "fighting" in the streets, but what do they fight for? Food for the poor? Books for the populace? Soap for all? No, they only take the streets to protect priviledges or be allowed to abuse existing priviledges. If you see a bunch of people rallying, be assured, they are not trying to help you, at the end of the day, those guys rioting or with the speaker are the same guys who mistreat you at the restaurant, in the office, at the airport. Or did you think Geldoff, Bono or Greenpeace were French?

These days, a bunch of people are making a lot of noise about the CPE (First Employment Contract law, a law that makes it cheap for employers to fire youger employees), and who are rioting? Those people affected. Let the government sign a law opening the doors of the elitist universities to the snobs, and you will have a parade of Ferraris and Rolls Royces and horses jamming Champs Elyses demanding respect for the historical rights of their owners.

Being French means many things, but above them all, the ability to say NON NON NON, with the only exception of protecting the priviledges of self.

French and dummies

2006-03-21T02:51:00.000+01:00

It is incredible. Although French is one of the least useful or beautiful languages in the world, it still atracts plenty of mistaken foreigners (mostly Americans) who somehow grew up with some kind of France myth. Not only foreigners, some French must also be the target audience of some of the publishers behind French language methods such as "French for dummies".

In any case, I have been recently forced to take some French lessons... I was expecting to have a fight with the guy over some truly important ideas, but he disappointed me: Unshaved, junky looking, of course not bathed, the guy was undercaffeinated and seemed actually nice. His first question: What do you think of the French?. My answer: I don't think they are nice. And from that point on, he spent the full hour expressing almost everything that I think about the French. The French teacher specifically said that "the French are selfish, elitist, conservative, racists" and a long etcetera. Although he was born in Paris, he invited me to visiting smaller towns insisting that people there do not reach the level of stupidity that I (or we) have to suffer in Paris. Great beginning, I will meet up with him more often. Now I have a good reason to improve my French. Finally a French guy I am in sync with.

I asked for a bag, but I got an idiot

2006-03-21T02:27:00.000+01:00

I tried. Following the advice given to me by some of my friends, I decided to stop all insurgency against the French. The objective was enhancing my lifestyle and contributing to circulate some good karma in this city of losers. However, yesterday some Monoprix supermarket employee made me reconsider my decision. I cannot just let people outside France believe that the French are normal people. No, they are not, they vote for people like Le Pen, Sarkozy and Chirac (I will talk about these guys some other day) and behave like the baddies of a James Bond movie.

OK, the Monoprix event. For the past weeks, I have been quite busy travelling around Europe: Fron Scandinavia to Spain, and from England to Austria. Somehow, I had got accustomed to having friendly chats with friendly people, but yesterday that illusion faded away when I reached the only till of the Monoprix on Boulevard de l'Opera handled by a non-Asian guy. After paying I started packing the items that I had bought, including a couple of glass bottles. Since there was only one plastic bag, I asked the French-looking employee for another bag, which I got. After having distributed the weight between the two bags, I asked him for a third bag (so that I could have a back up bag in case any of the two bags broke on my way home), and then the guy said NON. Why?, I asked, and then I learned that each bag could carry up to 5 kilos. I explained to him that I probably had 4 kilos in each bag however I had a long way to walk back home and I was carrying some glass bottles and I would feel better if I had a third bag. But the guy said NON NON NON, that a bag is designed for 5 kilos, that it's impossible that a bag breaks with 4 kilos and all the blah blah blah and the stupid speeches that the French learn since their not so bitter infancy. I was about to start a fight with the guy, but then I looked at the queue of people waiting their turn: the French fowning, the foreigners resigned. Only out of respect for the foreigners I decided to take my two bags, and head to the exit.

On my way out, I asked an Asian employee if I could get a spare bag, he gave me two. As I accumulated anger I could not stop thinking: "Yesterday I was in Milan! People were nice!".

Anti-France?

2005-09-27T22:00:00.000+02:00

In a country were the media are censored by power groups and polititians to extremes that would not be tolerated in any free country, I had lost all faith in finding published any line or photo of interest. I was wrong! As you can see, the Marianne magazine had a highly appealing cover: l'Anti-France... And as I was walking along the Seine, I asked myself: Am I anti-French? I then tried to recall my experiences with French products, services, processes and people. Some images that I pictured were French cars, French polititians, French people's smell, French behaviour in WWII and all those mean waiters... I was hopelessly facing the reality that I am anti-French until I looked at a person reading the "Da Vinci Code"... and then I saw it very clearly: The Louvre's pyramid!! I really like the Louvre's pyramid!! Thanks to the Louvre's pyramid, I can say that I am not anti-French.

At least one and a half years in the thing

2005-09-26T10:15:00.000+02:00

No, I didn't read the book. I don't want to read THAT book. At least, not while I am still here, in the thing.

I flipped a few pages of Stephen Clarke's book 'A year in the merde' and decided not to buy it and add more suffering to the already painful experience of sharing the streets of my town with those individuals who vote for Jean Marie Le Pen, hate foreigners and think that Finnish food is the worst stuff ever conceived by man.

Why this blog? I wanted to express how I feel living in Paris, surrounded by the world's most arrogant (and illiterate) people on Earth, but not with the purpose of taking revenge, but rather with the desire of contributing to making the French change. I want French people to realise that they make the world miserable every time they behave miserably and that they could do a lot of good to the foreigners who set foot along the Seine river and contribute to the world's karma by just being nice.

Many years in the merde is not a blog of prejudices; it is a consolidated account of a foreigner's experiences in Paris and welcomes contradictory opinions. I will start off my remembering some of the situations I faced during my almost two year in Paris and will try to update it as new "developments" happen to me.

Thanks for contributing, you are invited to add to any of my postings.